The Cat Scare Revisited

I was watching the movie "Wolfen" last weekend with Fretty and Trey. It was a pretty damn good movie, but there was something missing I couldn't quite figure out. Then, as the protagonist stuck her head out the window to investigate a noise, a cat comes flying into her face and scares the shit out of her. Ah-Ha! The cat scare! Now this movie was bumped from good to great in a matter of one scene.

I saw Trey physically jump about 6 inches in the air. Trey, not being conditioned to such horror movie tactics, fell victim to one of the most common scenes in horror movie history.

I figured, in an homage to the cat scare, I'd re-post my original piece on the subject.


Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The Cat Scare

I've noticed, over my many years of horror movie viewing, that there is a recurring theme in every good horror film... the cat scare.What is the cat scare? It is a suspense technique used to give the audience a thrill, followed by a sense of relief, and typically followed by somebody getting killed or chased by a killer. Still unclear? This is how a typical cat scare will go.

Enter victim to dark room, stage left mostly.

Victim: "Hello? Is anybody in here?"

a noise in the corner startles him/her

V: "Is that you, Brad? This isn't funny!"

a noise from the closet prompts him/her to investigate

V: "Brad your such a jerk, if your trying to scare me I'm going to kill you."

he/she timidly opens the closet door (suspenseful music plays)

cat dives out of the closet

Cat: RRRRRAAARRRR!
V: "HOLY SHIT!!!! Whiskers! You scared me!"

At this point the audience is kicking themselves for being such pussies (no pun intended) and jumping at a damn cat flying out of the closet.After the initial thrill is over and just about the time the audience is feeling safe again, the killer emerges and makes everyone shit their pants.

There are, however, some instances where the cat scare is overused.The first "Alien" movie uses three cat scares in a matter of five minutes. Seriously? It's a big stretch to use two in an entire movie. But three in five minutes? Lets get real Ridley Scott.

Posted by Shep at 7:37 AM

T.O. Uses Big Words, Still Sounds Stupid

I watched an interview of T.O. on the NFL Network after their training camp special yesterday. I love the NFL Network. It is nothing but football and football related shows, which is all I really give a shit about. The training camp special on the Cowboys was great, it was very in depth and informative. However, the after-practice interview of Owens revealed what a fool he truly is. They were really kissing his ass, which is what you have to do, I guess, to get some face time with the mega star. Questions were asked regarding the new coach and T.O. would begin every answer with "obviously this," or "obviously that." Is it really obvious that Wade Phillips respects your talent? I would be led to believe he thinks you're overrated since you had the most dropped passes in the NFL last season. They proceeded with a question over his media coverage and what he learned in the off-season about some of his mistakes. He answered somewhere along the lines of "well, it's obvious I had alot of time to reflect in the off-season. I had some epiphanies and some realizations while I was cogitating over the things that I exposed myself to during the season, and I think I've grown-up a little and gone through a maturation process." My ass you have. If he had any "epiphanies" he would realize what an idiot he is and commit to bettering himself as a player and as a teammate, not to say he hasn't, but it'll be a cold day in hell before I believe that load of bullshit. And as for this "maturation process" he's supposedly gone through, he's been in the league 13 or 14 years and I'll be willing to bet his habits are set in stone. He might go along with it for a short while, but if he notices a drop in the amount of passes he's seeing, you can bet the old bitchy T.O. will come back in a heartbeat. I don't understand why all these thugs try to use big words when they talk to the media. Do they think they can pass themselves off as educated individuals? I guarantee you they hear this stuff from their lawyers and try to pass it off as their own. It makes them sound dumber than they really are. Instead of saying, "Well you know, I was consortin' wit some of my associates" why not just speak normally and say, "Yeah, I was hanging out in a strip club with my boys when I fired a gun at some guy when he started talking shit."

David the Gnome

A while back I did an entry on "Kick-Ass Shows You May Have Forgotten" Well here is the opening for "David the Gnome" a kick-ass show I actually forgot about. But, as I did a little reading, I found out David was an ageing hippie vegan. The story taught children to not eat meat and to respect the planet we live on. I don't know what kind of effect this had on me seeing as how I eat more red meat then 90% of Americans and annually shoot 4 to 5 mammals and countess dove and quail. Nice try hippies.

Also, hippies can't spell. Check the title of this episode..."Good Medecine?" Did they mean Medicine? Unbelievable.

Kurt's Wedding

I'm finally getting around to writing this story, I was trying to remember all the funny stuff that happened so I wouldn't leave anything out.

I'll begin on Friday morning. Edgar and I had slept in Dallas at Trey, Fretty, and Burge's the night before. It was easier to drive up to Dallas a couple nights before, rather than leaving from Belton and enduring an extra two hours on the road. We met Justin in the parking lot and set off. The trip up to Missouri was pretty painful. We drove all the way through Oklahoma which had absolutely nothing to look at the entire time we were there. Just when I thought a state could not be more boring than the four hours we spent in Oklahoma, we arrived in Kansas. Kansas is a truly desolate place. It's a flat, yellow, plane occasionally scattered with small towns occupied by one gas station and a McDonald's. I was glad I had replaced my iPod before the trip, because I don't know what I would have done with myself for eight hours had I not brought some kick-ass tunes along.

We arrived in Overland Park not a minute too soon. Farrell had reserved a room for the four of us at the Garden Inn. The only problem was, Farrell took a plane like a puss and was not going to be at the hotel for a couple hours. My mind quickly went into espionage mode and decided the only course of action was to try and pass myself off as Big Steve Farrell. I stepped up to the front desk and told them I was Steven Farrell, and I was ready to check in. The guy I was talking to was some kind of Asian. I am not trying to be an ass, but I could not understand a word that guy said. He asked me some question that sounded like " ahru ah rewoo-da crub membah?" I asked him three times what he said and I finally looked at the woman he was working with and shrugged my shoulders. She asked, " are you a rewards club member?" I said no. I began thinking to myself, "why would a guy work in a services position who can't speak audible English, and thus not be able to perform said services?" It still befuddles me.

We checked into the room and killed a little time before it was time to get ready for the wedding. We met up with Beerman and Carrie to carpool to the ceremony. It was a little early and we still had some time before the wedding began, so we unanimously voted to go to a sports bar down from the church and grab a quick drink. Afterwards, we headed to the church.

The ceremony was in a very quaint little church in Kansas City. It was short and sweet which was nice, because it was a little warm in the sanctuary.

The reception was at a country club with a converted barn where the reception was held. It was a very nice location, plenty of room, A/C on high, a big dance floor, and all the other amenities you could ask for. I made a beeline for the booze, not because I am a hapless drunk who only goes to weddings for one reason, but I was dehydrated from the sauna that was the Kansas City First Baptist Church. I had drank a 'Boulevard Wheat' at the sports bar we went to before the wedding and had thought it was one of the best beers I had every had. I found, to my surprise, they had the same beer on tap and in bottles at the reception. It wasn't long before I was a little tipsy and taking multiple cigarette breaks to the patio. The food they served was off the charts. It was one of my favorite spreads, barbeque, homemade fried chicken, salad, potatoes, every good food you can imagine. It all sat very well with the Boulevard Wheat.

The night went on and I had been drinking beer at an astonishing rate. A crowd was gathering on the dance floor, and I decided to investigate. I could see Hederman from a distance really getting after it. He was bobbing and weaving, scooting and sliding, really putting on a show. I'm pretty sure everyone there was loving it, everyone except his wife. Anna tried on several occasions to walk off the floor and leave Will to his chicken dance. However, whenever she tried to leave, he'd dance his way toward her and cut her off from leaving. She'd come back and dance a little while longer and try to leave again and Hederman would set a boogie-screen. It was like seeing a good sheep dog at work.

The thing I probably liked seeing the most was that Kurt was actually drunk at his own wedding. You go to these weddings and get shitfaced, then you see the groom and he's stone cold sober. It kind of make me feel bed, but not bad enough to change my behavior. Kurt was having just as much fun as anybody else probably more, which is how it should be. I know I'll be the drunkest guy at my wedding... fact.

I had sat down at a table and was talking to Will Johnson and his wife Erica, when I was approached by Balla with a proposition. He said there was a guy there that wanted to race me in a beer chug competition. Balla said he was a linebacker for Kansas State and that he could and would probably beat me. I asked who he was and Balla pointed him out to me. I gave him the point and the "I've got my eyes on you" motion. I got a new beer and walked over to the guy who immediately asked if I had a Miller Lite or a wheat beer. I actually had a lite beer, and he said it wasn't fair and I should get a wheat beer like him. I agreed and got a wheat beer and Balla started the countdown. I felt it wasn't my best chug, but it was good enough to beat this guy. After we finished, he looked like a somebody just sucker-punched him. I gave him a tip of my imaginary hat and went on about my business.

They began to clear people out of the reception because it was getting late and the beer had run out. We stood in a line and wished Kurt and Jen farewell, then headed to the bar.

I was toasty by the time we arrived at Paddy O'Brian's. I went to the bar and ordered another Boulevard Wheat. I stood at the bar a little while and surveyed the layout. Trey had procured a table in the corner of the bar and I headed over there. Edgar was there and in a rare form. He was drunker than a twenty year old girl on spring break. He had found a spot next to Ruthie and was putting his moves on her. I was watching while telling Barry's girlfriend to watch the show as well. I explained to her the finer points of Edgar's approach, and how the lack of subtlety is a turn on for women. I watched as long as I could before Ruthie asked of she could change places with somebody. It was a pretty big bitch move. Anyway, the bar was about to close so we stood up and got ready to leave. Edgar was leaning up against the wall hocking loogies on the floor. A bouncer saw him and looked at me and gave me the "what the hell is going on?" look. I shot the same look back at him. and he stood up and told me we had to "get this guy (Edgar) outta here...now." We did and headed back to the hotel.

We woke up the next morning and spent about an hour looking for a Shell station so I could fill up my truck before heading home. It was an ordeal in itself. When we were heading back to the highway we finally saw it right by where we exited. The trip home was damn near unbearable and Justin had left a fucking pile of trash in my backseat, but all in all it was an enjoyable trip.

Dwight Schrute Music Video

"Day or night,
He'll use his might,
to fight for right,
and hit the height,
and light the light,
and be polite,
He's out of sight!

DWIGHT DWIGHT DWIGHT DWIGHT..."

The Shittiest Music Video Ever

This is a music video from Baltimora's catalog of hit(s?). It probably took a half hour to shoot this entire thing, add a couple effects and you're done. Also, the lead singers moves are terribly gay. But a good way to start a Friday.

The Greatest Guitarist

I ran across this video the other day while looking for the Toto music video. This guy's name is Andy McKee and he is a phenominal guitarist. If you want to see another great song he does, check YouTube under "Drifting." I just thought everybody might get a kick out of how good this guy is.

Something Funny

I found this and laughed and laughed when I first saw it... I just thought I'd share.

Man Vs. Child

Every seemingly good idea I have is somehow already taken. I once had an idea for a website called "College Stories" .com, it was going to be a place where people could go to tell their best stories. Face it, those stories are the best. So as I was checking availability of the domain name, I discovered that somebody had already done it. Complete with a book release of some of the best stories.

You can see why I would be discouraged when my "Man vs. Child " idea was already taken. Granted my premise is waaaay better than this guy's, but I was hoping to get a copyright on the name. This chump's man vs. child is him being alone with his kid, chasing him around the house and cleaning shit up....woo-hoo. Give me Rob Schneider fighting some kids so the I.R.S. doesn't repossess his house...seeing as how the Deuce Bigalow money has dried up. Another twist is that when he goes to meet with the I.R.S. to discuss his progress and to show them he's trying to get the money, the wrestler "I.R.S." will be there to bust him on the head with his briefcase. I'm telling you, this show would be big.

"You're late Rob!"

Bear Grylls A Fraud

For those of you who don't know who Bear Grylls is, he is the host of the Discovery Channel's "Man vs. Wild." Every week Bear is put in a seeminly impossible situation and, by sheer wit and determination, somehow makes it out. He must make shelter every night and find enough food to sustain himself over the period he is stranded. However, it has come to light that many of the show's scenes are rigged. He is actually not surviving on his own, but rather is aided along the way by a host of crewmen. In scenes where he is camping out in the woods or on the prarie, he only films a couple minutes and heads back for the hotel.



I, for one, am pissed that some idiot brought this to light. We all had a thought in the back of our mind that the show was not as truthful as is claimed to be, but so what. I was intrigued by Bear's knowledge of the outdoors and his ability to survive in nature's most violent circumstances. Who would know what kind of alge decontaminates groundwater, or how you can get water from an elephant turd? Bear did...dammitt.

If the show ends up getting canceled (which I din't know why it would) I have an idea for a new reality show that would be low on cost and high on hilarity.

It's called "Man vs. Child" and it pits Rob Schnieder against middle-school bullies. The premise is Rob visiting different junior highs and challenging the biggest kids there. The great thing about this show is you never know who is really going to win. The season finale would be Schnieder doing the American Gladiator course with the same kids he fought throughout the season as gladiators. He could face Dustin Diamond or somebody equally worthless. It would be a hit.

Deep Thoughts...not quite.

I was talking with Romines today on the Gmail messenger. He has started putting Jack Handey quotes on his custom message on his profile. I have enjoyed reading them the past couple days and asked where he found them all. He sent me a link and i followed it to a page full of Jack Handey quotes. I only read down a little ways before I found one that made me laugh out loud and almost gave away the fact that I was not working. It read:

"If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk."

Here's how the conversation went:

me: get to work slacker
1:30 PM no funny jokes today on your custom message today?

Brian: i have conceded for the week

1:31 PM me: why?
thats a good one

Brian: It's my Friday off tomorrow and I only have a little over an hour before I go home

1:32 PM me: nice
what are you doing this weekend?

1:33 PM Brian: I'm going to Detroit, TX
me: what's there?

Brian: Grandpa

1:34 PM me: where si detroit

Brian: I'm not sure if I'm coming back on Friday night or staying in MV for the night
30 minutes from MV

me: we're floating the guadalupe sat if you want to come

1:35 PM Brian: I'm considering... I haven't talked to Stone about it since a few days ago

me: it's on my friend
meeting at Rip's 10:30 sat

1:36 PM Brian: I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

me: gross
1:37 PM where do you get these

Brian: that's right...
they're jack handy quotes

me: deep thoughts?
nice

Brian: indeed

me: my favorite was the crows

1:38 PM Brian: I find that it boosts company moral
lol... that was a funny one

me: it boosts my moral

Brian: http://farstrider.net/DeepThoughts/Handey.htm
1:40 PM I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

1:41 PM me: hahaha

1:42 PM new favorite: "how do you figger that?"

Brian: lol
that's speaking my language now

1:43 PM me: no joke
Im doing thta next chance i get

Brian: hahaha

me: and shit into my spittoon
1:44 PM *spit

Brian: HAHAHAHA
I bet both would get a good look

me: im sure

Brian: oh man.... I'm about to fall out of my chair here...
I'm laughing out loud and it's so quiet

1:45 PM me: ive got to step away and laugh a minute

Brian: I'm just imagining you dropping a deuce in your spitoon in the middle of class
1:46 PM man, i'm crying

1:47 PM me: especially after asking the question "how'd ya figger that?"

Brian: hahahaha

me: dropping pants and pooping
1:49 PM oh lord id better get back to work

Coffee Shops Are A Breeding Ground For Idiots

We've all seen it. A coffee shop filled with guys and girls with horn-rimmed glasses and a computer on their lap. They are drinking some kind of Bolivian-roast hooey, and viciously typing while listening to an iPod. What they are drinking is an overpriced cup of shit from a coffee shop that capitalizes on the fact that these people are complete fools/dorks/idiots/delusional graudurists/neophytes/elitists, anyone of these usually fits the bill. What they are typing is some awful screenplay about a coming of age drama using some seemingly deep metaphor as the backbone of the storyline. And what they are listening to is the newest flavor of the moment indie rock band or singer/songwriter they saw in Austin last weekend. They are usually well educated with a BA in Women's Studies or Psychology. They will be more than happy to talk about their political views, but chances are good they will never have anything good to say and will probably mention plans to move to Paris within the next year. Their ultimate goal is to move to California or New York to sell their screenplay. If they drink alcohol, it will be wine. Most of them have seen "Sideways" and have subsequently become wine experts. If you tell them you like Merlot, be prepared for an eye-roll and a lecture on the superiority of Pinot Noir. At this point you can usually scissor-kick them, because their eyes will be closed most of the conversation because of their passion for wine. If Edgar is handy, he can easily sneak behind them and perform the 'Thought Of Death.'

T-Shirts Available (In The Near Future)

When I get twenty orders, I will make these t-shirts. They would make great gifts for anybody, especially grandparents. They would be so confused they would probably shit themselves. In which case, you could use the shirt to clean up the excrement, because that's all it's really good for anyway.

The front will appear as it does below and the back will have the URL on it.-20$

Adventures With Mary Jane

The quantity and recurrence of my escapades in marijuana have come into question and I am here to put all false notions to rest. To begin with, I am a fan of beer. It gets me where I want to go and at a pace I am comfortable with. It's all I really ever wanted, but there were those times when smoking a little pot seemed appealing and I acted on those instincts. But I am no pothead, even though I enjoy "Half-Baked" more than any normal person should. So here they are...my hilarious, intriguing, astonishing, outlandish, and sometimes sad, but always heartfelt adventures in the world cannabis.

1) Fall 02'- This was the first time I ever smoked pot, it was also the first time I'd ever seen it in real life. I didn't really know what to think about it, but I was befuddled by the amount of laughter spewing from that side of the room. It was welcome week at Baylor and I had met a buddy I went to high school with. He went to Texas, but his older brother went to Baylor and was a huge pot head. As the night went on, and I became drunker and drunker, the thought began to facilitate that I would like to try my hand at smoking weed. I was new to college and felt that I had deprived myself of several pleasures in the years leading up to this point. So, I took my first hit. The coughing was unbearable, and I could feel it in the back of my head. After the full body heaving had died down I sat down, watched a movie, and continued drinking. I noticed I wasn't high, or what I believed a "high" person should feel like based on movies and after school specials. I saw no unicorns or leprechauns, or even a yellow submarine for that matter. At about 4 o'clock am I head back to the dorm and subsequently throw up in the sink.

(a full version of this story can be found in the archives under "My First Day Of College")

2) Dec 03'-This next story involves some of the same players as the first and has a similar ending. I had met up with a couple of my buddies from high school over the Christmas break. We went over to a girl's apartment who also went to high school with us, and spent the majority of the night playing Presidents & Assholes. One of the guys I was with brought up the idea to go to Austin and hang out at a party his fraternity was having. I wasn't too keen on going, as I had seen some of the toolbags that frequent these shin-digs and had no desire to go. They eventually convinced me it would be fun and I ended up going against my better judgement. We got to Austin and looked for this shit-ass party for thirty minutes before finding it. Once we got there, the guys I came with disappeared. I was pissed. There I was at a party in Austin surrounded by a bunch of cretins throwing out popular catch phrases and high-fiving. I decided the only course of action was to get shitfaced and hopefully not get left behind. So I did. I ran into one of the guys when I went to the bathroom, and asked where the hell they had been. He fed me some bullshit answer, but I found out later they had gone down there so the could screw these two whores that were there. I was angry, but I was more drunk than angry so I quickly forgot about it. They told me about this other party we were going to on the other side of Austin that was "going to be alot cooler than this." "How could it get any cooler than this?" I wondered. So we headed back out to find another party. Sidenote: I hate doing this kind of cruising around 'swingers' bullshit. I like to plant myself somewhere with fun people who aren't douches. Anyway, we had to pull over on the way there because I had eaten some bad chili and it was coming back up with all the turning and weaving. I didn't quite make it all out of the car and had to throw away the Russell Athletic sweater I had on. It is probably still in that Austin suburb somewhere. I did feel much better by the time we got to the party and was ready to rally. I walked in the door and was offered weed right away. I took a hit, and grabbed a seat on the floor which was the only place to sit down. I took a couple more hits and began to feel sick again. The toke had made me lazy so all I did was lean over and puke in some chicks purse. I was banished to the back of the car to lay and wait until the others were finished partying and ready to go home. A nice girl did come out and check on me. She brought me a glass of water and asked how I felt. That's the last thing I remember before waking up at two the next day feeling like dogshit.

Summer 04'- I met up with some friends of mine who went to UMHB. These guys were not your typical UMHB students, they were actually cool guys who liked to hang out and drink. One evening, they had bought some pot from a guy and wanted to smoke up. I happened to be there, so I partook in the activities at hand. It was a great night, we ate chips and watched cartoons till around 3 in the morning. I have still never laughed so hard.

Fall 04'- Nick was a poker buddy of mine who played in our bi-weekly poker game. He was a cool guy and was always fun to hang out with. One weekend, Schoellkopf had a party at his house on tenth street. I attended, but quickly grew bored with the crowd of under aged girls screaming every time they saw one another. So I ventured down to Nick's house which was right down on the corner. I was welcomed in and asked if I wanted to smoke. I said "why not," and was introduced to "Stuart Little" the loving name they gave a tiny pipe for a single smoker. After I had "burned down" Stuart Little, I did see yellow submarines and the whole bit. I floated out of the house and went to pester Keene, but not before pissing on Burge's car and leaving him a note in the filth on his roof that read, "Burge- I pissed on your car. Love, Shep." I walked into Keene's house to find it occupied only by Kevin and his new girlfriend-at-the-time Jordan. I asked if I had interrupted anything and to please continue and not to mind me. I went in and crashed on Mac's dog bed and quickly passed out. A picture later circulated with Jordan getting cozy with my high-ass on that damn dog bed. It was in their wedding slide show.

Summer 06'- We had just gotten moved into the new Marie house and had just gotten settled in. I found out quickly that we had moved next door to Anthony, my freshman year roommate. He was a bonifide pothead and you were hard pressed to find a time he wouldn't be high. So I was over there one night and they were sitting in a circle smoking a bowl, so I decided to join in just for the hell of it. I didn't feel anything because it was probably real shitty anyway.

Summer 07'- Billy Bob's (scroll down)

So there you have it. An accurate account and catalog of my dealings in the world of Mary Jane. I hope this answered any questions there might have been (frettyblog) about my experience with illegal drugs.

Entertainment Is Done By The Same People

As I was browsing the internet today I came across a new movie coming out soon called "Superbad" starring Micheal Cera (better known as George Micheal Bluth) and Jonah Hill (the fat kid) from "Accepted" and "Knocked Up." It looked like a decent movie and then I saw it was made by the same guys who made "Knocked Up" and it hit me. All the good movies and TV shows I actually like and watch are connected in some way, and that I will probably go see this movie.

Here goes:

Micheal Cera was on "Arrested Development" which was produced by Ron Howard who played "Opie" on The Andy Griffith Show (a show I watched as a kid), he was also in American Graffitti (a great movie) which was directed by George Lucas who produced Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford was also in American Graf) with Steven Spielberg, Spielberg directed "Saving Private Ryan" which co-starred Giovanni Ribisi who has a recurring role on "My Name Is Earl" which stars Jason Lee who was in "Stealing Harvard" with Leslie Mann who played "Big-boobs McGee" in Adam Sandler's "Big Daddy" (also appears in "40 year old virgin" and "Knocked up")which co-starred the always recurring Alan Covert who has been in almost every Sandler movie. Covert played a liquor clerk in the Judd Apatow show "Freeks and Geeks" Judd Apatow is responsible for such great movies as: "Anchorman", "The 40 Year Old Virgin", and "Knocked Up." Steve Carrell was in two of those movies and stars in NBC's "The Office" and Jonah Hill is the kid in "The 40 Year Old Virgin" who is trying to buy the disco shoes at the E-Bay store. He also stars in "Grandma's Boy" with Covert and Linda Cardellini who starred in Apatow's "Freaks and Geeks"

Sister More Of A Pothead Than First Thought

We went to Billy Bob's this past weekend to see Reckless Kelly put on a show. It was one of the better shows I've been to. They played all their hits and most of my favorites. The best part about the whole trip was that my sister's boyfriend had gotten us all free tickets and two free hotel rooms within two blocks of Billy Bob's.

We had a blast during the concert. I drank a bunch a beer and a couple jagerbombs and felt like a million bucks. While we were smoking a cigarette, my sister mentioned to me that she had some weed and that she wanted to go back to the hotel and smoke a little. Now, before you start judging me just know that I am a novice. Ol' Shep is no square though. In all honesty, I've never bought any, I've never packed a pipe or rolled a joint, and all I can really do is inhale and watch cartoons. That being said, I was drunk enough to think it was a good idea to go back to the hotel and smoke a bowl.

What I was not aware of was how much Sister seemed to know about it. She had all the essential gear and a vast know-how of many aspects. I looked at the baggie and thought,"this doesn't look like much, I wonder if anyone can even get high off this." I was assured that it was more than plenty for everyone. This was confirmed by a certain Big E. After seeing her load and re-load the pipe picking up every crumb of cannabis, I realized she was probably a pretty big pothead. I had no idea. I thought it was pretty funny, because she was really getting into seeing how far she could make her stash last.

As I began to feel the effects take hold, my mouth suddenly went bone-dry. I noticed this when, as I was talking, my upper lip stuck to my teeth. All the water I drank did little to help. It was a weird feeling, I felt less inebriated but would get a chuckle out of some strange things. I woke up the next morning with both lips stuck to my teeth. I walked to the mirror to see what looked like a shaved chipmunk, but was in reality only my reflection.

All in all it was a fun trip and I got my annual pot-smoke out of the way.

Comments

I had no idea the "comments" section was blocked to anonymous comments. I have fixed that so you don't need a member of the GoogleBlogger to post comments. Although I would like to see FrettyBlog take off and share his wealth of knowledge with the world.

The Price Is Right

With the departure of Bob Barker, a replacement must be found to fill the honorable role of show host. Being a respected member of the freelance media, I figured I'd throw my candidates into the ring.

And they appear as follows:

1) Louie Anderson- I really think he's funny. He cut his teeth on "The Feud" and did a hell of a job. He is currently unemployed, so he's definitely available.

2) Richard Karn- Better known as 'Al Borland' from "Home Improvement." He also has game show experience, also on "Family Feud." Ladykiller.

3) Tom Bergeron- Current host of "America's Funniest Videos." Slight cheese dick, but a solid personality. Knows Daisy Fuentes.

4) Jason Alexander- "Thank God You're Here" is not lasting, he'll be begging for this job come January. Stipulation: He MUST ride a segway.

5) Will Arnett- The steam coming off of "Arrested Development" has opened doors for this Canadian-born actor. I think he would be a great fit, although he'll probably want to stick to acting. Also would need to ride a segway.

6) Bob Saget- Why not. Although he would probably try to bang contestants after the show.

7) Zach Galifianakis- A bearded off-color comedian, he would send the show in a different direction. His appeal would be making fun of contestants for spinning the wheel like a pussy, or making an idiotic guess of $1. Better known (maybe) as "Alan Finger" from "Dog Bites Man."

8) Ted Danson- Probably the best candidate. "Becker" is a piece of shit. "Curb Your Enthusiasm" is no longer. Take it Ted, take it!

9) Burt Reynolds/ Norm McDonald as Burt Reynolds- Nothing wrong with either of these choices.

10) Donald Faison: The Token candidate, but would probably work out nicely seeing as "Scrubs" is over in the Fall.

There you have it, if you can put together a better list I'd sure like to see it.

Why Is Rosie O'Donnell Making News?

Where the hell did Rosie come from? Last time I saw her she was swooning over a still sane Tom Cruse. A week later America found out she was a huge dyke, and that was that. Now, she's come out of left field and is making news again. I didn't see her appeal in the first place. She made one movie, appeared in a handful of t.v. shows and made-for-tv movies, and had her own talk show. She is a walrus, has a terrible New York accent, and is a poor actress. I didn't even know she had been a host on "The View," which by the way is the single most God-awful show in the history of shows. I'd rather snip the tip of my penis with gardening shears than have to watch 5 minutes of "The View." But now Rosie has something to say about President Bush and the state of the union, so everybody perks their ears up. I think idiots who take what Rosie O'Donnell has to say to heart should be neutered and deported. If I ever saw Rosie in public, I'd take a swing at her. Now that she's back in the public eye, she's been offered a number of jobs including Bob Barker's replacement on "The Price Is Right." Barker was a stud and you're telling me a fat, pasty, lesbo is going to pull the same ratings? Buuuull-shit. Somebody throw this bitch a herring so she'll shut the fuck up.

Where Men Became Boys

Borrello's washer tournament was a big hit. The event that put it over the top though, was the intense schlitterball game that took place after much of the washer field had been eliminated.

That day began with me waking up at an early hour. I can usually sleep-in pretty good, but I guess I was too excited about the tournament. My stomach was hurting, no doubt from inhaling a whataburger at 2 a.m., and I began to feel my stomach rumble. I needed to expel a cloud of methane to relieve the pain. I did. Little did I know I had opened Pandora's Box. It was the kind of stink that would make paint peel. I was amused and amazed with it's potency...Lee was not.

We met up with Beerman a while later to grab some breakfast at the Pancake House off Midway. It was a good meal, the eggs were shitty and cold, but the bacon was good as well as the pancakes.

Afterwards, we headed out to Ft. Worth. Lee began to feel sick from what he thought were bad eggs. The entire trip consisted of one of us farting, and the other trying to get their window down quick enough not to smell it. You're beginning to see the relevance of the title.

We arrived at Borrello's a little after noon and began to drink. People were slowly arriving, so we took the opportunity to catch up with folks we hadn't seen in a while. Borrello had his house looking top notch, as top notch as a Borrello house can get anyway. His grass was a nice green St. Augustine, freshly cut, with plenty of shade provided by a number of large trees. Lawn chairs and ice chests were scattered throughout the yard, and the lesbians' house was in plain sight. Former "hardass champion" and murderer of the beloved Smokey, Coburn, greeted me with a man-hug. At the time, I was not drunk enough for man-hugs, but whatever.

Soon, the tournament was began. I had been paired with Keene, a good draw for both of us. Our first match was against the combo of Fretty/Borrello. I had my fears because Borrello had built the pits, and therefore had a good feel for their layout and tendencies. However, that thought of doubt quickly dissipated when we jumped ahead never to look back en route to a first round victory. Hands were shook and chest bumps were dealt out at the end as a sign of good sportsmanship. The second round began to get a little blurry. I had gotten drunk waiting to play the second game and had a hard time adjusting right off the bat. But before I knew it, we had built an insurmountable lead and finished the game with little effort. We were one game away from the finals, but had a rematch with the Fretty/Borrello tandem. They had clawed their way back from a humiliating loss in the first round and had made it into the semi-finals. A good deal of time passed between our second and third game, so needless to say I was in an inebriated condition. Feeling ten feet tall, I approached the pits with a swagger equal to that of Johnny Unitas, however, I did not count on Fretty Namath the giant-killer. A drunk Keene and I, handed the first game to the scrappers from the losers bracket. I didn't really know we were playing until about halfway through the game. The second and deciding final game was one for the ages. One team would take a small lead, only for the lead to change hands on the very next throw. Fretty sank one in the closing throws to put us away. We had fallen two games in a row and were now out of cash prize contention. We did make it to the third place game but we were all too drunk to give a damn, so we sent a scout party out to locate a volleyball so we could play Schlitterball.

It seemed like a great deal of time passed before the volleyball task force arrived back at the house. I spent the down time shoving beer and various dips in my face. I also had to make multiple bathroom stops, as the eggs were making themselves known to my digestive tract. I'm not sure what time we started playing Schlitterball, but we were all blasted out of our minds. Coburn had remained sober because he is not a fan of alcoholic beverages for one reason or another, and had subsequently won the washer tournament. None of this mattered to me because I was feeling stud and eager to whoop an ass at Schlitterball.

The game was underway, I had been selected as handman and was doing a great job. By this point everyone was drunk as shit. I mean really really drunk. There were 12-14 guys in a backyard kicking a volleyball around, screaming, swearing, running, and slamming beers. It reminded me of a kindergarten recess, however in this case the kindergartners were drunk and hairy men. I was too sloppy to be a good handman. I spent the majority of my time drinking and if a ball got close I'd punch it, usually out of bounds. Something got me stirred up and I hit a three point stance, ready to explode out of it and do some damage. But, as most stupors go, I quickly forgot why I was in the three point stance in the first place so I just returned to my station over the cup. The few women who were there (all except one were either wives or fiances) sat over in a shady corner and watched with disgust the recessing maturity level of the partygoers. All the work they had done on their respective mates had all gone down the drain in a matter of hours. I felt bad for those chumps Sunday morning and the kind of ass-chewing they would have to endure. The game continued. Every point was challenged and every beer was drank. All of a sudden a "Mystery Man" came out of the woodwork and began to tear down the nig-rig Schlitterball net. This incited a riot, as everyone started running around kicking over the cups and throwing empty beer cans at one another.

After the excitement had died down, everyone began to go their own ways. I went and got more beer, a Gatorade (to combat dehydration), and some smokes. But the party was clearly over for the day. I was slightly relieved that it was over, because I was starting to feel like shit. We had all put in a full day of work, and that was something we could all be proud of.

Indeed, it was something we could all be proud of.