The Cat Scare Revisited

I was watching the movie "Wolfen" last weekend with Fretty and Trey. It was a pretty damn good movie, but there was something missing I couldn't quite figure out. Then, as the protagonist stuck her head out the window to investigate a noise, a cat comes flying into her face and scares the shit out of her. Ah-Ha! The cat scare! Now this movie was bumped from good to great in a matter of one scene.

I saw Trey physically jump about 6 inches in the air. Trey, not being conditioned to such horror movie tactics, fell victim to one of the most common scenes in horror movie history.

I figured, in an homage to the cat scare, I'd re-post my original piece on the subject.


Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The Cat Scare

I've noticed, over my many years of horror movie viewing, that there is a recurring theme in every good horror film... the cat scare.What is the cat scare? It is a suspense technique used to give the audience a thrill, followed by a sense of relief, and typically followed by somebody getting killed or chased by a killer. Still unclear? This is how a typical cat scare will go.

Enter victim to dark room, stage left mostly.

Victim: "Hello? Is anybody in here?"

a noise in the corner startles him/her

V: "Is that you, Brad? This isn't funny!"

a noise from the closet prompts him/her to investigate

V: "Brad your such a jerk, if your trying to scare me I'm going to kill you."

he/she timidly opens the closet door (suspenseful music plays)

cat dives out of the closet

Cat: RRRRRAAARRRR!
V: "HOLY SHIT!!!! Whiskers! You scared me!"

At this point the audience is kicking themselves for being such pussies (no pun intended) and jumping at a damn cat flying out of the closet.After the initial thrill is over and just about the time the audience is feeling safe again, the killer emerges and makes everyone shit their pants.

There are, however, some instances where the cat scare is overused.The first "Alien" movie uses three cat scares in a matter of five minutes. Seriously? It's a big stretch to use two in an entire movie. But three in five minutes? Lets get real Ridley Scott.

Posted by Shep at 7:37 AM

T.O. Uses Big Words, Still Sounds Stupid

I watched an interview of T.O. on the NFL Network after their training camp special yesterday. I love the NFL Network. It is nothing but football and football related shows, which is all I really give a shit about. The training camp special on the Cowboys was great, it was very in depth and informative. However, the after-practice interview of Owens revealed what a fool he truly is. They were really kissing his ass, which is what you have to do, I guess, to get some face time with the mega star. Questions were asked regarding the new coach and T.O. would begin every answer with "obviously this," or "obviously that." Is it really obvious that Wade Phillips respects your talent? I would be led to believe he thinks you're overrated since you had the most dropped passes in the NFL last season. They proceeded with a question over his media coverage and what he learned in the off-season about some of his mistakes. He answered somewhere along the lines of "well, it's obvious I had alot of time to reflect in the off-season. I had some epiphanies and some realizations while I was cogitating over the things that I exposed myself to during the season, and I think I've grown-up a little and gone through a maturation process." My ass you have. If he had any "epiphanies" he would realize what an idiot he is and commit to bettering himself as a player and as a teammate, not to say he hasn't, but it'll be a cold day in hell before I believe that load of bullshit. And as for this "maturation process" he's supposedly gone through, he's been in the league 13 or 14 years and I'll be willing to bet his habits are set in stone. He might go along with it for a short while, but if he notices a drop in the amount of passes he's seeing, you can bet the old bitchy T.O. will come back in a heartbeat. I don't understand why all these thugs try to use big words when they talk to the media. Do they think they can pass themselves off as educated individuals? I guarantee you they hear this stuff from their lawyers and try to pass it off as their own. It makes them sound dumber than they really are. Instead of saying, "Well you know, I was consortin' wit some of my associates" why not just speak normally and say, "Yeah, I was hanging out in a strip club with my boys when I fired a gun at some guy when he started talking shit."

David the Gnome

A while back I did an entry on "Kick-Ass Shows You May Have Forgotten" Well here is the opening for "David the Gnome" a kick-ass show I actually forgot about. But, as I did a little reading, I found out David was an ageing hippie vegan. The story taught children to not eat meat and to respect the planet we live on. I don't know what kind of effect this had on me seeing as how I eat more red meat then 90% of Americans and annually shoot 4 to 5 mammals and countess dove and quail. Nice try hippies.

Also, hippies can't spell. Check the title of this episode..."Good Medecine?" Did they mean Medicine? Unbelievable.

Kurt's Wedding

I'm finally getting around to writing this story, I was trying to remember all the funny stuff that happened so I wouldn't leave anything out.

I'll begin on Friday morning. Edgar and I had slept in Dallas at Trey, Fretty, and Burge's the night before. It was easier to drive up to Dallas a couple nights before, rather than leaving from Belton and enduring an extra two hours on the road. We met Justin in the parking lot and set off. The trip up to Missouri was pretty painful. We drove all the way through Oklahoma which had absolutely nothing to look at the entire time we were there. Just when I thought a state could not be more boring than the four hours we spent in Oklahoma, we arrived in Kansas. Kansas is a truly desolate place. It's a flat, yellow, plane occasionally scattered with small towns occupied by one gas station and a McDonald's. I was glad I had replaced my iPod before the trip, because I don't know what I would have done with myself for eight hours had I not brought some kick-ass tunes along.

We arrived in Overland Park not a minute too soon. Farrell had reserved a room for the four of us at the Garden Inn. The only problem was, Farrell took a plane like a puss and was not going to be at the hotel for a couple hours. My mind quickly went into espionage mode and decided the only course of action was to try and pass myself off as Big Steve Farrell. I stepped up to the front desk and told them I was Steven Farrell, and I was ready to check in. The guy I was talking to was some kind of Asian. I am not trying to be an ass, but I could not understand a word that guy said. He asked me some question that sounded like " ahru ah rewoo-da crub membah?" I asked him three times what he said and I finally looked at the woman he was working with and shrugged my shoulders. She asked, " are you a rewards club member?" I said no. I began thinking to myself, "why would a guy work in a services position who can't speak audible English, and thus not be able to perform said services?" It still befuddles me.

We checked into the room and killed a little time before it was time to get ready for the wedding. We met up with Beerman and Carrie to carpool to the ceremony. It was a little early and we still had some time before the wedding began, so we unanimously voted to go to a sports bar down from the church and grab a quick drink. Afterwards, we headed to the church.

The ceremony was in a very quaint little church in Kansas City. It was short and sweet which was nice, because it was a little warm in the sanctuary.

The reception was at a country club with a converted barn where the reception was held. It was a very nice location, plenty of room, A/C on high, a big dance floor, and all the other amenities you could ask for. I made a beeline for the booze, not because I am a hapless drunk who only goes to weddings for one reason, but I was dehydrated from the sauna that was the Kansas City First Baptist Church. I had drank a 'Boulevard Wheat' at the sports bar we went to before the wedding and had thought it was one of the best beers I had every had. I found, to my surprise, they had the same beer on tap and in bottles at the reception. It wasn't long before I was a little tipsy and taking multiple cigarette breaks to the patio. The food they served was off the charts. It was one of my favorite spreads, barbeque, homemade fried chicken, salad, potatoes, every good food you can imagine. It all sat very well with the Boulevard Wheat.

The night went on and I had been drinking beer at an astonishing rate. A crowd was gathering on the dance floor, and I decided to investigate. I could see Hederman from a distance really getting after it. He was bobbing and weaving, scooting and sliding, really putting on a show. I'm pretty sure everyone there was loving it, everyone except his wife. Anna tried on several occasions to walk off the floor and leave Will to his chicken dance. However, whenever she tried to leave, he'd dance his way toward her and cut her off from leaving. She'd come back and dance a little while longer and try to leave again and Hederman would set a boogie-screen. It was like seeing a good sheep dog at work.

The thing I probably liked seeing the most was that Kurt was actually drunk at his own wedding. You go to these weddings and get shitfaced, then you see the groom and he's stone cold sober. It kind of make me feel bed, but not bad enough to change my behavior. Kurt was having just as much fun as anybody else probably more, which is how it should be. I know I'll be the drunkest guy at my wedding... fact.

I had sat down at a table and was talking to Will Johnson and his wife Erica, when I was approached by Balla with a proposition. He said there was a guy there that wanted to race me in a beer chug competition. Balla said he was a linebacker for Kansas State and that he could and would probably beat me. I asked who he was and Balla pointed him out to me. I gave him the point and the "I've got my eyes on you" motion. I got a new beer and walked over to the guy who immediately asked if I had a Miller Lite or a wheat beer. I actually had a lite beer, and he said it wasn't fair and I should get a wheat beer like him. I agreed and got a wheat beer and Balla started the countdown. I felt it wasn't my best chug, but it was good enough to beat this guy. After we finished, he looked like a somebody just sucker-punched him. I gave him a tip of my imaginary hat and went on about my business.

They began to clear people out of the reception because it was getting late and the beer had run out. We stood in a line and wished Kurt and Jen farewell, then headed to the bar.

I was toasty by the time we arrived at Paddy O'Brian's. I went to the bar and ordered another Boulevard Wheat. I stood at the bar a little while and surveyed the layout. Trey had procured a table in the corner of the bar and I headed over there. Edgar was there and in a rare form. He was drunker than a twenty year old girl on spring break. He had found a spot next to Ruthie and was putting his moves on her. I was watching while telling Barry's girlfriend to watch the show as well. I explained to her the finer points of Edgar's approach, and how the lack of subtlety is a turn on for women. I watched as long as I could before Ruthie asked of she could change places with somebody. It was a pretty big bitch move. Anyway, the bar was about to close so we stood up and got ready to leave. Edgar was leaning up against the wall hocking loogies on the floor. A bouncer saw him and looked at me and gave me the "what the hell is going on?" look. I shot the same look back at him. and he stood up and told me we had to "get this guy (Edgar) outta here...now." We did and headed back to the hotel.

We woke up the next morning and spent about an hour looking for a Shell station so I could fill up my truck before heading home. It was an ordeal in itself. When we were heading back to the highway we finally saw it right by where we exited. The trip home was damn near unbearable and Justin had left a fucking pile of trash in my backseat, but all in all it was an enjoyable trip.

Dwight Schrute Music Video

"Day or night,
He'll use his might,
to fight for right,
and hit the height,
and light the light,
and be polite,
He's out of sight!

DWIGHT DWIGHT DWIGHT DWIGHT..."

The Shittiest Music Video Ever

This is a music video from Baltimora's catalog of hit(s?). It probably took a half hour to shoot this entire thing, add a couple effects and you're done. Also, the lead singers moves are terribly gay. But a good way to start a Friday.

The Greatest Guitarist

I ran across this video the other day while looking for the Toto music video. This guy's name is Andy McKee and he is a phenominal guitarist. If you want to see another great song he does, check YouTube under "Drifting." I just thought everybody might get a kick out of how good this guy is.

Something Funny

I found this and laughed and laughed when I first saw it... I just thought I'd share.

Man Vs. Child

Every seemingly good idea I have is somehow already taken. I once had an idea for a website called "College Stories" .com, it was going to be a place where people could go to tell their best stories. Face it, those stories are the best. So as I was checking availability of the domain name, I discovered that somebody had already done it. Complete with a book release of some of the best stories.

You can see why I would be discouraged when my "Man vs. Child " idea was already taken. Granted my premise is waaaay better than this guy's, but I was hoping to get a copyright on the name. This chump's man vs. child is him being alone with his kid, chasing him around the house and cleaning shit up....woo-hoo. Give me Rob Schneider fighting some kids so the I.R.S. doesn't repossess his house...seeing as how the Deuce Bigalow money has dried up. Another twist is that when he goes to meet with the I.R.S. to discuss his progress and to show them he's trying to get the money, the wrestler "I.R.S." will be there to bust him on the head with his briefcase. I'm telling you, this show would be big.

"You're late Rob!"

Bear Grylls A Fraud

For those of you who don't know who Bear Grylls is, he is the host of the Discovery Channel's "Man vs. Wild." Every week Bear is put in a seeminly impossible situation and, by sheer wit and determination, somehow makes it out. He must make shelter every night and find enough food to sustain himself over the period he is stranded. However, it has come to light that many of the show's scenes are rigged. He is actually not surviving on his own, but rather is aided along the way by a host of crewmen. In scenes where he is camping out in the woods or on the prarie, he only films a couple minutes and heads back for the hotel.



I, for one, am pissed that some idiot brought this to light. We all had a thought in the back of our mind that the show was not as truthful as is claimed to be, but so what. I was intrigued by Bear's knowledge of the outdoors and his ability to survive in nature's most violent circumstances. Who would know what kind of alge decontaminates groundwater, or how you can get water from an elephant turd? Bear did...dammitt.

If the show ends up getting canceled (which I din't know why it would) I have an idea for a new reality show that would be low on cost and high on hilarity.

It's called "Man vs. Child" and it pits Rob Schnieder against middle-school bullies. The premise is Rob visiting different junior highs and challenging the biggest kids there. The great thing about this show is you never know who is really going to win. The season finale would be Schnieder doing the American Gladiator course with the same kids he fought throughout the season as gladiators. He could face Dustin Diamond or somebody equally worthless. It would be a hit.