Kick-Ass Shows You May Have Forgotten

I do alot of research on many subjects in my spare time. I always enjoy expanding my knowledge of fairly obscure subjects for my own satisfaction. While casually browsing wikipedia, as I often do, I started looking up old shows I used to watch as a kid and thought it would fun to take a nostalgic look back. (sidenote: i just sneezed and peed a little)

1) Captain N: The Game Master (short for Captain Nintendo)

I can remember watching this on tv. I thought it was kick ass that they made a show based on a game system. Little did I know they would base entire movies on video games (I think the first would be the Mario Brothers starring John Leguazamo.) Only 3 seasons long, Captain N is probably worth the money. Also, the main character's name is Kevin Keene...I know a Kevin Keene, I was in his wedding.

2) Denver The Last Dinosaur

One of the best theme songs ever. This show is the embodiment of growing up in the 80's. The heavy environmental themes are reflective of the wave of "save the rainforest/whales" activism. Plus it was a ass-kickin dinosaur.

3) Bobby's World

Before Howie Mandel became currently famous for his hosting of "Deal or No Deal" he was enjoying monetary success with his self-voiced cartoon series based on his life as a parent. A handful of life lessons were learned during each show and everyone started their Saturday morning on a high-note.

4) Attach of the Killer Tomatos

Also a kick-ass theme song...and thats about it. This show was actually really bad.

5) Ghostbusters

I was, and still am a huge Ghostbusters fan. Peter Venkmon is a total and complete badass who gets more parapscyhology ass than any man should be able to. The show was action-packed with proton packs aplenty along with Venkmon getting a little nook in each episode.

Thats all I can think of...let me know if you remember a show worthy of remembering and it will be included in part two.

Ways to Thwart the Homeless

The homeless invasion has reached an all-time peak. I can no longer sit on my porch, take a trip to the grocery/convenience store, or go to taco bell after 1:30am without being hassled by these leeches on society. After my many years of dealing with said homeless, I have studied and devised these fail-safe methods for dealing with these lazy-asses.

1) The No-Money Excuse

This is the most popular way to get out of giving money to the homeless. After they tell their sad story of how they got screwed, or how many kids they have that need food, or any other lie they might tell you, just shrug your shoulders and say, "sorry buddy, I don't have any money." They might look confused because you just walked out of H-E-B with a case of beer and some beef jerky, but stick to your story...they always do.

2) Ask Them for Money First Technique

A less popular approach, and one I have never actually tried before, the idea is to confuse these bums by asking them for cash before they get a chance to ask first. From what I hear it's fairly effective. We've all been in a situation where you know a guy approaching you is going to ask for money, just ask him first...the homeless are easily confused.

Say blood, can i get some change? These Hilfiger socks is itchy.

3) Hand Signals

My personal favorite, no verbal exchanges take place and the homeless person is cleanly dealt with. The stipulation is that one must be in an automobile with the windows up. When the homeless approach and motion for you to roll down the window, motion with your thumb and shake your head for them to get lost. Keep this going until they leave.

4) Scolding

The homeless are similar to children in many ways. They shit themselves, refuse to bathe, and have an elementary level education. Therefore, they respond to parental-like scoldings much like children. If approached by the homeless even when doing the most mundane activity, scold their ass like you were trying to finish your taxes. An good example of this was when I was ordering food at Taco Cabana. A homeless man walked up while I was trying to order. I looked at him and started scolding him. "I am trying to order... are you serious? get the hell out of here...scram!" Works every time.

5) The Cunningham Approach

If a homeless person takes even a single step in the direction of your house, just start yelling at them. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! DON'T COME BACK YOU WORTHLESS ASS!" Highly effective.

6) Saddam Technique

If you see a homeless person coming, hide in the house. Just bunker in and turn on the t.v. until they leave. If they knock on the door, don't answer. If they persist, enforce the Cunningham Approach.

I think dem muthafuckas be hidin'

7) Dogs

If you own a dog then your in luck. The darker homeless hate dogs. It doesn't matter if it's a toy poodle, they scare the shit out of would-be panhandlers. Just let your terrier loose on one of these bums and watch the hilarity ensue.

8) Weapons

If you have a hammer handy on your porch just pick it up and wield it like you were a viking. A scowl on your face wouldn't hurt. Just look like you'd rattle their skull if they came up on the porch.

9) Edgar's Feats-of-Strength

If you're drunk and want to spend some money on entertainment, make the homeless earn it. It can really add some life to a dying party. When a bum comes to a party and asks for cash, set up an obstacle course or make him perform a floor exercise to Asia's "heat of the moment." Fun will be had by all. If he doesn't complete the feats tease him like he's not getting any money, but eventually you probably need to pay him.

Mazzio's Pizza: A Storied Past

Many people are aware of the undenyable greatness of this American-Italian institution, however few know the true depths of its inspiration on U.S. history. Therefore, we will explore Mazzio's Pizza from its humble beginnings to its undisputed dominance in the 21st century.

Mazzio's is an Italian eatery located throughout the South and Midwest portions of the U.S. It was first founded in 1961, when a young school teacher named Ken Selby opened a restaurant named The Pizza Parlor in Tulsa, Oklahoma. In 1965, Selby opened a second location and changed the name to Ken's Pizza. By 1975, there were more than 100 franchise locations in and around Oklahoma.

In 1974 Barry Switzer, looking for a place to feed his hungry team, decided to take them to a Norman Mazzio's one friday afternoon before their first home game. The team performed so well he decided to make a ritual of it. That year they won the national championship...coincidence?

In 1997, Payton Manning ate at a Tennesse Mazzio's every Monday afternoon to help him focus and prepare for the week. That same year Ryan Leaf was dining at a Pizza Inn. Ryan Leaf now works at a Pizza Inn.

Bob Dylan wrote all his songs from 1975-on at various Mazzios'

Fred Savage was discovered at a Mazzio's while playing Pac-Man and enjoying his cheese pizza.

LeBron James was concieved in a Mazzio's bathroom in 1985.

Singer MeatLoaf's song "I would do anything for love" was origionally titled "I would do anything for Mazzio's" The following line "but I won't do that" origionally referred to him strangling a puppy. "Bat Out Of Hell" 's album title came from employee accounts of MeatLoaf entering Mazzio's. eg. "he came in like a bat out of hell and started shoving food in his face."

"Two Guy's a Girl and a Pizza Place" is not based on Mazzio's in any way form or fashion, with the exception that they try to be cool and Mazzio's is actually cool.

A young boy named Matt used to come to Mazzio's and doodle on the napkins while he enjoyed his pizza and soda. And who did Matt grow up to be? Matt Groening. Who is this? He created the Simpsons...der.

Macually Culkin did not eat at Mazzio's. And he is not respected as an actor because of it. Instead he is reduced to making movies like "Party Monster" with the likes of Seth Green and Wilmer Valderama.

George Orwell's "1984" is based on what society would be like without free market economy and the retardation of human emotion...two things Mazzio's strongly endorses and benifits.

America has Mazzio's, Mexico does not.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are shown eating Mazzio's pizza in their first two feature films(boxoffice blockbusters). The third movie however was sponsored by Pizza Hut (monetary flop).

I need to get Mazzio's to sponsor this blog.

Guest Author: Lee Mitchell

This is a story I've heard from Lee a number of times. It's pertains to a childhood incident of his. I always laugh when I picture what happens to Jake. Anyway, Lee was kind enough to finally put this story into writing. Enjoy.

Matt Cunningham, Jake (brother), and I were trespassing in my neighbors barn. Little did we know that they were selling the property and a realtor with hopeful buyers drove up to the barn. We ran out the back and slipped into a horse trailer where we hoped to hide out until they were gone. Unfortunately, we were hiding in a very small cramped area that the sun was beating down on. It was unbelievably hot and there was cat poop scattered all over the floor. Suddenly, Matt picked up a piece of the cat poop and, with amazing accuracy, flung it directly into Jake's mouth. Jake instantly threw up all over the place. All three of us started screaming and flung open the trailer door and rolled out. Trespassing, soaked in sweat, and grossed out, we hauled ass as fast as we could. The adults were staring at us as we ran towards our property for our own lives.

The Infamous Blackout Story

I went out to a party last night. It was an OK time, it just made me feel real old. While I was standing by the keg, I was asked to tell this story to a group who hadn't heard it before. I thought to myself after I finished, and realized I hadn't posted this particular story yet. I will tell it from the point I woke up that Saturday morning at 2 o'clock p.m.

I woke up that morning with a particularly bad hangover. My room felt like a sauna, and I was automatically miserable. As I rolled over in an attempt to find my phone and see what time it was, I noticed I was naked. Upon further inspection, I found I was also dripping wet. Confused, but not very surprised, I find something to cover myself with and head to the bathroom to piss. I was gauging how dehydrated I was by looking at the color of my piss, when I noticed the bathtub was filled to the brim with a dirty looking water. I then realized I had no idea what had happened to me the night before and was going to have to do some detective work to find out.

I found my phone on the floor of the hallway. It was low on battery and had 7 new messages. I postponed listening to the messages until after I had a drink of water to combat the extreme cottonmouth I was presently dealing with. As I listened to the messages, I discovered they were all from the disgruntled residents of Gurley. Accusations flew in the messages. Things like, "You fucker, you left your puke shirt in the yard and there's puke all over the chair and Fretty sat in it," were a few of the choice phrases used. This was all news to me. I had no idea I had puked last night, although I couldn't ignore the fact that I couldn't find the shirt I had on last night.

Desperate for answers, I went outside to see if my truck was in the driveway. If it was not there, I would have a good answer to how I got home. The truck was there. I had driven myself home blacked-out. There were now three things clear. One, I had thrown-up in the big chair at Gurley. Two, I had shed my puke clothes on the way out and driven myself home. And three, once home, I had drawn a bath, sat in it, and puked again.

I then tried to piece together how I got so drunk in the first place. I thought back to every moment the previous day I could remember. I came up with three phases of my drunkenness
that explained how I got that torn up and ended up in this situation.

1) Grilling out at Gurley:

Fretty had just purchased a nice grill and had put it in the Gurley cabana. We all went the H-E-B to buy beer and meat to cook. I picked up a steak and a case (20) of bottled Coors Light. We went back to Gurley and commenced to drink, smoke, and eat. The cookout soon turned into a party and the beers were going quicker and quicker.

2) Gurley Party:

I had torn through about fifteen bottled Coors lights and was feeling pretty damn good. The party was in full swing and we were running low on cigarettes. About 1:20 a.m., Kurt decides he wants to make a trip up to Scruff's for last call. Me being out of beer sealed my place for that trip.

3) Scruff's:

We arrived at Scruff's about 1:30 a.m. and head to the bar to order our customary Ziegen Bocks. I heard somebody call my name from across the bar. I looked over and saw an old high school buddy of mine standing there looking as trashed as I was. We talked for about 2 seconds before he asked if I wanted a shot. I, of course, said "yes" and he ordered up 2 jager shots( if any of you wonder why I don't like Jager shots, this incident is why) We did a couple of toasts and threw back the Jager with authority. I felt my stomach start to turn and knew I would throw-up if I didn't handle this correctly. I took a step back from the bar, took a deep breath, and fought back the steak and veggie pack I'd consumed earlier in the evening. I had just finished fighting off the barf when High School Friend brings me over another Jager shot. Another Jager shot and a Ziegen bock were bought and drank before the bar closed and we had to leave.


The trip home was getting fuzzy and I was beginning to black out. When we arrived back at Gurley, I sat down in the big chair and passed out. This is where I begin my epic blackout adventure.

I felt terrible about puking all over the big chair. The only thing I could think to do to bury the hatchet was to bring them a peace offering. I went Bush's and bought a gallon of sweet tea and took it over there.

The chair is still in use today and there's a little bit of Shep that will always be there.