I Still don't Know How To Do Proper Titles

I've been blogging for a while now, and I've noticed that on everyone else's blog they have nice colorful titles in big letters. I don't have a clue how to do that.

Baldness is not a trait shared on either side of my family, however, I'm pretty sure I am going bald because my hair has been showing up everywhere. I was sitting on the couch scratching my head and when I looked down I had a handful of hair. This led me to pose the question,"does binge drinking cause hair loss?" If it does I'm screwed. The heightened social skills are not worth a combover at the age of 30... or are they?

On a similar subject, I have found the perfect bloody mary recipe.
-Absolute Peppar Vodka
-Clamato
-Worcestershire(to taste)
-Tabasco(to taste)
-Olive Juice(spoonful)
-Olives x2
-Pickled Okra x2
-Ice
The vegetables give you the essential vitamins needed to fight the headache, and the clamato gets you feeling frisky.

I don't know if you've read Edgar's blog lately, but his recent post on writing a disaster movie is kind of actually going to happen, except with me thrown in the mix. Edgar and I have decided to quit our respective schools and movie to Hollywood to write disaster movies, horror movies, romantic-comedies, sitcoms, a coming-of-age teen drama, and my own brainchild a cartoon based on my college experiences...it would go somthing like this...
















We've already began brainstorming on the disaster flick... the cast is made up of Hollywood royality with some upcoming stars thrown into the mix. Including...

Harrison Ford-His yells of agony are brilliant we could'nt see anyone else playing the part

Michelle Phifer or Kim Basinger- either one could fill this part, but we would need to know what they look like naked because there will probably be a gratuitous sex scene between Ford and one of these women

Amy Smart or the chick from the OC- gratuitous sex scene with son of Ford's character

Topher Grace-I like him, he would play the son

Jack Black- Comic relief, probably die early in the picture

Donald Sutherland- the wise old mentor the Ford's character

Cameos:
James Carville, Jim Gaffigan, Danny Masterson, Dan Castellansta, Rob Schnider, Seth Macfarlane, Larry David, Anthony Edwards, Cedric the Entertainer, Mike Meyers, and the Sweedish Bikini Team.

It's likley to explode into the box office Summer '08.

The New House and Jim Bob Cooter

Well we finally got internet today, so I decided to end my extended blog sabbatical. I'm sure by now everyone has quit reading this so I guess I'm just doing it for my own personal enjoyment. Although I don't really like writing in the first place, especially typing, so I guess I'm still doing it so I can write things like shit, piss, twat, clit, cocksucker, motherfucker, and have it posted on the internet.
Anyway, the new house kicks ass. I inadvertantly moved next door to my freshman year roommate, Anthony Jackson. All things aside he is a Kappa Sig, actually, he is the prince of Kappa Sigs. He throws dance parties, is like a four year sing chair letterman, and is of African-american decent. And you may be asking yourselves, "man Shep, you must hate it over there." In all truth, I don't mind it. Women flock over there like Padre seagulls to potato chips. So, by my deductions, women flock over there, they get tired of the loud music and general disarray of the strobe light, head around the corner to see who's playing Willis Alan Ramsey, and see the coolest mutherfucker around...yours truly. And then I take them inside and show off the hall of horns just to make em wet. It's a win-win if you ask me.
I was'nt the first to throw up in the new house. A friend of mine came out with us a few nights back. She had been drinking a bottle of Petron I bought for her 21st. She was pretty sauced by the time we got home, as was I. I went over to Anthony's to hang out for a while as I walked through the hall I noticed she was laying down on a bed with her eyes slightly glazed over. When she saw me she jumped up on the bed and started bouncing on it. After about the third bounce the fan blade caught her on the right side of her head and she stood there stunned. It was like seeing a "FINISH HIM" fighter on Mortal Combat. Thinking fast, I dashed over and caught her before she fell on her face. She told me she wanted me to carry her home, seeing as how she lives about five blocks away, I declined. I convinced her that my house was just as good and proceded to carry her. On the way out I kicked the door open...and they say that chivalry is dead. false. When I got her home, she layed on the couch for a while, and then it happened. Luckily, I had a trashcan ready. It smelled like hot peppermint schnapps and I almost lost it myself.
Jim Bob Cooter. Quarterback at University of Tennessee. Arrested for drunk driving...ok...so? If his name was Marshall Bufort Thigpen III, I would read into the story a little deeper, but Jim Bob Cooter? I already know his entire 20-something year history. And on a sidenote, I bet he is a campus legend. A true hellraisin, beer-guzzlin, suffin, cussin, sum-bitch. Oh and vag-poundin. Admired by men and wanted by women. Thats all I really have to say about Jim Bob Cooter. I think he kicks ass and I want to be his friend, or possibly in his entourage.

Illegal Immigration: A Solution

With all the illegal border crossing and controversy surrounding it, somebody has to do something in order to resolve the issue. I figure I'm just as well qualified as the next guy. Therefore, I have come up with a fullproof plan in order to cease and desist the hispanic overrun.

I will form an elite task force to deal with the problem swiftly and with minimal monetary loss.

They will be composed of various special ops members, each with a talent relevant to specific operations.

This team will be a shadow, striking with precision and accuracy.

Captain: Tom Selleck



His obvious leadership capabilities make him the perfect choice for leader of the team. His task would be to seduce unsespecting mexican women and impregante them. Over time the hispanic bloodline would dilude because any offspring of Selleck would definatly get them a white woman.












Gang Buster/2nd in command: Tookie Williams


Co-founder of the Crips, Tookie is as ligit as they come. If Selleck were to go down due to a cramp or an STD, Tookie could step in without missing a step. Anyone who can organize a bunch of gangbangers has something special. These days Tookie says he is a peaceful man and is currently waiting to be executed. However, we would use him to bust up the hispanic gangs polluting our elementary schools. If I was a young hispanic gang I would shit my pants if Tookie came to my school. No more pen stealing for you little beaners.






Border Deturrent Squad: A Bunch of Big Guys

Tony Boselli:


Retired NFL All-Pro lineman. All he has to do is stand at the border and pretend Texas is the QB.













Larry Allen:


Same job as Boselli, but Tony can't cover all of Texas. Allen also has the ability to pull down the border-line and knock aliens back across the border like and unsuspecting defensive end.











Yokozuna:


Champion sumo wrestler and former WWF champ. Yokozuna will not be defeated, unless Shawn Michaels defects and body slams him...lightning never strikes twice in the same place, so the odds are with him.












2nd Stage Border Duturrent/Team Bitch: Gilbert Godfreid


In the unlikely case that the front line is penetrated, Gilbert would post up outside San Antonio with a loudspeaker. His annoying voice and personality would send Mexi's hauling ass back to Laredo.







Well there it is. My plan. I've sent a more formal proposal to the Texas legislature, so action should be taken swiftly.

kick ass

Bizzaro Shep

As some of you may or may not know, I have a twin. Not a real twin, but more of an alternate universe double of myself. It's kind of like that Jet Li movie "The One." In which, an evil Jet Li travels through dimensions killing alternate universe Jet Li's. When he kills them he inherits their karma, or ki, or some other stupid Jap life force power. I'm pretty sure if I killed this guy I would become more powerful. It wouldn't be so bad, except that he's the guy who yells real loud at all the baseball games. So if I meet new people they occasionally say, "oh, your the guy at the ball games!"....NONONO. It's not me...it's BIZZARO SHEP! I've named him Bizzaro Shep because he has white hair, yep, white hair. It's just like Bizzaro Superman from the popular 70's cartoon the Superfriends.

I've decided to have a little blog quiz to see if you can tell if it's me or bizzaro.








Question 1: Me or Bizzaro














Question 2: Me or Bizzaro















Question 3: Me or Bizzaro


















Question 4: Me or Bizzaro












Have fun

Its A Diadeloso Miracle...that I'm alive.

A Precursor:
This is the drunkest I've ever been...ever. That's saying alot. I've thrown up in a half dozen bars, blacked-out, and made an ass of myself on several occassions. So this is a truly "special" story.

It started out with four or five stiff bloody mary's and then it took a turn for the worst.

I got off with Ford Burdett's cousin and started taking beer bongs. I can't really recall how many I actually had, but Dub and Woody came over at one point and said they saw me do five in approximatly ten minutes. I was over there for two hours total.

I couldn't stand up strait, I tried to sit on a stool with little success.

I cornered Mark Shepherd at one point and talked to him for a long while telling him he was a "hustler," and that we have the same last name, in case he didn't know.

I somehow rode a bike down the street, and then threw it.

I asked a girl when we were going to "hook up".

Keene took my keys away, this will come into play later.

A dog peed on my leg and no one would tell me who's dog it was.

Things I don't remember:
-It getting dark outside
-how many beer bongs I had
-half the conversations I had
-I was told I wasn't speaking clearly...to the point no one could understand me.
-who took me home
-Keene and Boss came by my house to check on me. They told me later my door was open and I was curled up in my bed.
-Keene put my keys in my ass.
-I woke up with my keys on the table next to the bed.

Lord have mercy on me...

Saw 'Em Off

My sister invited me and some friends down to Chilifest this past weekend. I've never been out drinking in College Station, and was excited to spread my drunken cheer in a new city. We stopped in a drive-through beer barn on the way in that served margaritas, which I thought was pretty cool. We went out to Northgate about 9 or 10 after playing drinking games at Emily's apartment. We started out at the famous Dixie Chicken. It was a little too crowded for our taste so we only stayed long enough to drink a couple $1 pearl beers. Then came the dry bean. A small bar that exclusively serves shots...and shots alone...not to mention at a reasonable price. It was an equasion for a disasterous night. An awesomly disasterous night. The shot progression went like this...
-jagerbomb
-sex with a crocodile
-jagerbomb
-blowjob, Edgar got some in his eye which makes it ironic
-a few more I can't remember specifically

We would have ordered more but got kicked out for starting a "saw 'em off" chant.

Moved to a different bar and ordered a "flaming" Dr. Pepper. The only problem was they didn't light it on fire. They should have just called it an alcoholic beverage that kinda tastes like a Dr. Pepper but not really...shitty ass aggies. And not that we didn't try to get them to light the damn thing. They would'nt do it. In fact, they down right refused. And when we asked if we could light them ourselves, those fuckers just glared at us. I can assure you if we'd have been at Scruff's they'd have lit that bitch up in a heartbeat.

We almost died on the ride home...

A girl that was hanging out with us insisted she was sober, so we headed for the parking garage. On the way over, the shirts came off and saw 'em off was heard resonating through the garage. Six grown men were piled into a tiny-ass acura. The driver hit two cars before we left the building... I began to worry. The ride home was like riding a roller coaster, complete with sharp turns and screaming. Anyway, the drunk-ass driver gets us lost and refuses to pull over to get directions. A quick thinking Keene faked a claustrophobic fit and got her to pull over. From a Kettle resturaunt I called Emily to come get us. While waiting, Woody started salsa dancing with a hispanic couple in the parking lot... I sat on the grass and reflected.

The actual Chilifest was not all that exciting. One of Emily's friends threw up in a keystone box. Robert Earl Keen was kick-ass. I got some free snuff and shotgunned a bunch of beers.

I plan to go back soon...

I Should Be Beer Chuggin' Champ...Dammit.

This past week while on spring break I found myself with the opprotunity to compete for the beer chugging crown of Destin, Flordia. We were at a club called "NighTown" which supplied plenty of booty-dropping bass. It's not really my forte, but I was having fun anyway.

As I was walking around checking out all the skirts, two MTV personalities got up on stage and announced they needed volenteers for a beer chuggin' contest. My heart lit up and I bolted for the stage. This was the opprotunity I had trained so hard for. All the hangovers, embarassing behavior, and throwing up was finally going to pay off. I threw my hand up and yelled "I'm the champ!! I'm the one!!" Everyone I was with also realized how dominate I would be, and started pointing at me and yelling. But alas, I did'nt get called up on stage.

















i will own all challengers...

My heart sank, but I figured someone up there would be a worthy chugger. I was mistaken. I have never seen such a group of slack-ass beer drinkers. And the worst part was that the douche that won got a trophy. A FREAKIN BEER CHUGGIN' TROPHY!!!!! Holy Crap! What I would'nt do for a beer chuggin' trophy. I should have a beer chuggin' trophy.

When we were leaving the club, Lee ran into the "champ." He told him that "your not shit compared to my boy, he's legit."

I am legit.

If you need proof, Dub has a video from St. Patrick's day. Green beer. 2.5sec. legit.

The Cat Scare

I've noticed, over my many years of horror movie viewing, that there is a recurring theme in every good horror film... the cat scare.

What is the cat scare? It is a suspense technique used to give the audience a thrill, followed by a sense of relief, and typically followed by somebody getting killed or chased by a killer. Still unclear? This is how a typical cat scare will go.

Enter victim to dark room, stage left mostly.
Victim: "Hello? Is anybody in here?"
a noise in the corner startles him/her
V: "Is that you, Brad? This isn't funny!"
a noise from the closet prompts him/her to investigate
V: "Brad your such a jerk, if your trying to scare me I'm going to kill you."
he/she timidly opens the closet door (suspenseful music plays)
cat dives out of the closet
Cat: RRRRRAAARRRR!
V: "HOLY SHIT!!!! Whiskers! You scared me!"














Boo mutherfuckers!

At this point the audience is kicking themselves for being such pussies (no pun intended) and jumping at a damn cat flying out of the closet.
After the initial thrill is over and just about the time the audience is feeling safe again, the killer emerges and makes everyone shit their pants.
















inevitable doom

There are, however, some instanes where the cat scare is overused.

The first "Alien" movie uses three cat scares in a matter of five minutes. Seriously? It's a big strech to use two in an entire movie. But three in five minutes? Lets get real Ridley Scott.

My Date With Paris

I thought my dream had come true. Paris Hilton had responed to my personal on match.com, unreal I thought. I then remembered what information I had posted on the site and how disappointed she was going to be.

The ad went something like this:


Name: "Hawk" Shepperd (had to come up with a cool name)

Sex: yes please (thought it would be funny)

Height: 6'4"

Body Type: Muscular, athletic. (not quite)

Intrests: Long walks on a cool night, watching "The Bachelor", and/or "the Bachelorette," and discussing who's a bitch with my best friends. (this is exactly what girls want to hear)

Hobbies: Helping the homeless (by which I meant telling them to get a job)

Job: I don't really have one. I saved Bill Gates from drowning while training new recruits be Navy S.E.A.L.'s. I became heir to his vast fourtune, so money isn't an issue. (I dropped a kid in a pool one time and make him swim like a otter, so its not that far fetched)

So this is what she is basing her opinons of me on.

Anyways, she flew me to NY and her assistant picked me up in a limo. She told me I didn't look like the man in the picture. I had to come up with an excuse fast, so I explained to her how I was in the hospital for 6 months after a dirt bike stunt gone wrong had rendered me incapacitated. I elaborated on muscle atrophy and all the pudding I ate.

Paris was doing a photo shoot so her assistant asked me if I wanted to see NY and all the sights. I felt like I needed a drink or two before the inevitable collapse of my scheme came to pass, so she pulled over to a local pub and let me off. I was informed she would pick me up after Paris was finished with her business.

5 hours, 12 beers, 3 shots, and a hoagie later, I finally came face to face with Paris. She looked a little surprised at first, but then a smile broke out on her face and she ran up and gave me a hug. I was surprised to say the least, and at that moment I noticed the white powder under her nose and the stench of vodka on her breath. She was all kinds of hammered and probably thought I did look like David Hasselhoff with a moustache.

So the rest of the night we partied like there was no tomorrow. I met all kinds of celebs and they all gave me strange looks. Paris assured me they were not as strange as the ones Nick Carter got, so I had that going for me.

















moving in for the ass-grab...success!

Paris got in a couple fights with Nicole Richie, and Shannon Doherty. I punched Ben Stiller in the nuts and said,"THAT'S FOR MAKING 'MYSTERY MEN!' YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

All in all it was a pretty good night...

My First Day As A Bastard

Following up my previous post, I've decided to take my own advise. Treating people with respect is just not working out like I planned. Originally, the plan was to give others the benefit of the doubt and be a kind, courteous human being.

I think from now on I will act according to how I've been treated in the past.

Morning:
I wake up and eat some food out of the fridge thats not mine (thats not new, I always do that, but I had to start somewhere.)

Send out a couple viruses on IM and laugh at how many people think I sent them a link to, "Chupacabra Killed in Mexico: Exclusive Photos!!" Dumbasses.

Drive to class. When I come to a fourway stopsign, I just speed right on through with those other tools just sitting there waiting their turns... someone had the gall to honk at me, I honked back and shot'em the bird.

Pedestrians have the right-of-way... my ass they do. Take your headphones off, and quit listening to the Black-Eyed Peas before you catch a grill and need a new hip.

I try to find a parking spot. I'm roughly five cars in line for the next open space. I go ahead and pull around and grab the next spot out of turn.

On my way to class, I notice a girl has dropped her books. She was bent over which gave me the perfect opportunity to cop a feel... which I took advantage of. She called me an asshole, so I shot her the bird.

Tripped a guy on crutches who was taking up too much hall space... bird.

Sat in class an said, "that's what she said" everytime the opportunity presented itself. Also made paper airplanes and threw them at a guy wearing a billed beanie.










look out innocent bystanders

Afternoon:
Walked around stepping on everyone's heels so their shoes came off.

Threw a football with incredible velocity into a crowd and yelled, "a little help?"

Drove as fast as I could everywhere I went, and revved the engine when I drove past people walking.

Keyed a bunch of cars.

Clogged the Business school toliet and stole all the TP.

Went to lunch and took my sweet ass time pulling up to the next window.

Night:
Borrowed a bunch of movies I did'nt plan on returning.

Went to the bar and quoted a bunch of lines from popular movies.

Bumped into a guy with my shoulder. He said, "excuse ME, bro." Nutshot.

Played "Simple Man" 8 or 9 times on the jukebox... sang every word, every time.

Told girls I could see their thongs.

Pulled and snapped bra straps and laughed hysterically saying, "that was priceless!"

Went and had some glamour shots taken and posted them on myspace.

Called Jake a pussy.

All in all it was a pretty fulfilling day.

Drunk Chicks Don't Like Me

While at Scruffy's this past Saturday I had a revelation. Amongst a haze of smoke and red bull enduced mini-strokes, I realized drunk chicks don't enjoy my company. After coming home and pulling the trigger in Jake's yard (which I am still very much against, Edgar), I began to wonder why girls under the influence of alcohol seem so apalled by my presence.














sober girls like drunk-me...see?

When we were at Scruff's, Keene and I were standing at the bar talking to two girls who were obviously hammered. They seemed to think Keene was quite charming. I, on the other hand, could just as well have been the guy who killed their family dog. After I ordered up a round, I noticed one of them was looking a little ill. She had her head in her lap, and was rocking back and fourth. I felt concerned enough to ask her if she was alright. Instead of an audible response I've become familiar with over the years, all she could muster was a resounding middle finger right in my face. I was'nt trying to hit on her, I did'nt touch her, and I certainly had no sadistic motives in mind. So what's the damn deal? All I was trying to do was help her drunk ass avoid the embarrassing public vomit.














nice shiny shirt you pole-smoking skank

This is'nt the first time this has happened. Refer to "Shirtless Dub and the Wrongful Bitch-Slap." She was more than ready to slap the shit out of me. But when it came to light Wardlaw was the ass-grabber, she skipped her happy ass over there and gave him a Sonny's quality booty rub down. What the hell? I wear cool clothes, I watch "I Love the 80's," I own 3 seasons of "Curb Your Enthuiasm," my hygine is ok, my goatee is kickass. So why do drunk chicks hate me? I guess it's kind of like the same reason people don't like thunder. It won't do anything to you, unlike lightning, but it's pretty loud and will rattle your windows at night and wake you up. A trait I share.

I think from now on I'll just be a bastard. I will grab asses. I will hit on them. They can throw up in their hair all they like with their thong hanging out. And who will be there with a camera phone? Me bitch. ME!

Hot Damn!! My Computer's Fixed!!

Thanks to Danny Merziovski my computer is back up and running. With all the events that have occured since my computer went down, I thought about what I should post first at the end of my hiatus. I did'nt really want to type out all that bullshit, so I've decided to just do a recap.

My sister Emily came into town for her birthday. She brought some friends from A&M that all happened to graduate from Belton High School. It was like reliving one of her sleepovers in 8th grade, except with beer and jagerbombs. We were all having a good time two-stepping in the living room. I became a little nervous when when I saw McKenzie dancing just a little too slow with Emily, but the booze assured me everything was fine. I'm going to skip the damn drama that followed and will continue on to the house. Finally, we get home at 3-4am. I will now take a cue from Dub and change the names of those involved to protect their idenities.

Male: Dagwood
Female: Blondie
Poor Schmuck on the couch: Beetle Bailey

Removed

Emily had such a good time she came back the following weekend. I'm a little blurry on the entire night but bits come to mind.

-Mark Shepherd showed up and I was tempted to tell him," There's only room for one Shep at this party, and it's ME!"

-Trail Boss and I hang out in the Box Pub with freshman Thetas. They want to take a picture, Boss just takes a picture of their chests. I smoked three month old menthols, they were the best cigarettes I've ever had.

-Emily passes out on the couch at 1am. I asked Woody if I could put her in his bed. Emily told me the next morning she woke up to a pair of tiny blue shorts and an asscrack in her face. Thanks Woody.

-I fought off an upchuck, in retrospect I wish I would'nt have.

That's all for now.....It's good to be back.

my computer is down so im making this post from the sub...i dont like doing this so dont expect any post for a while loyal fans of shep.

Stroker Ace gets more ass than Hugh Grant and Lee Mitchell put together.

My Second Day of College

Of all the dumb shit I've done during my tenure here, I believe this is the biggest lapse of judgement to date.

When I say "my second day of college", I don't mean the second day of classes. I'm referring to the second day of welcome week. We had barely finished unpacking, and immediatly started looking for something to do that night. A friend of mine from high school was down visiting his brother who went to Baylor, so I decided to give him a call. He said they were at Graham's watching the Texas bikini team but they were heading back to the house in a minute to start drinking.

Anthony and I quickly headed over to the house in hopes of experiencing college in full force. Unbeknownst to me, the two members of the bikini team had come home with these guys. I was thrilled.

The next few hours was a haze, but this is what I can recall.

I gave a speech in the living room in front of a bunch of guys I'd just met upon which the basis was how much I loved college and how great everything was.

One of the bikini girls was real drunk so she did'nt notice me gawking at her chest.

We ran out of keystone and I started mixing vodka and coke.

Anthony left about 2, but I stayed till 4.

Someone drove me back to Penland and dropped me off.

I stumbled up the walkway into the lobby (This is at a point where they were still checking student i.d.'s) and the guy at the desk asked me for my i.d.

I said, "ohhhh, oookkk."and tried to fish out my wallet.

My lack of motor skills at the time caused me to fling my wallet halfway accross the room and run bumbling after it.

As I started walking upstairs my stomach started to wretch. I fought it off as usual. I hate throwing up.

I finally get in my dormroom and lock the door. With a sense of accomplishment, I go to lay in bed.

The second my back hits the bed, it all comes up. I sprint to the sink and unload.

Anthony, feeling sorry for me, sat up in bed and said, "clean that shit up."

I was glad we were roommates.

Actors, T.V. Personalities, and Celebrities I Hate

I'm watching Daredevil on FX right now and I was just thinking about how much Ben Afleck pisses me off. Then I thought about others who piss me off just as much.

1. Ben Afleck: smartass

2. Paul Walker: same accent in every movie, sounds like Keanu Reeves in the "Bill and Ted" movies, only this is how he really talks...douche

3. Jason Biggs: enough said

4. Elija Wood: pussy

5. Orlando Bloom: every character he has played besides the elf in "lord of the rings" has been a skinny wuss with shitty facial hair.

6. Ryan Seacrest: everyone hates this guy so I won't elaborate

7. Reba McEntyre: caught a few minutes of her series one time... mistake

8. David Spade: not funny... when Chris Farley died (God rest his soul) so did Spade

9. Ray Ramano: I hate Raymond. I keep getting it shoved in my face for 2 1/2 hours a day on three different networks

10. Nicole Kidman: not hot. I hate Austrillians... other than Steve Irwin.

11. Heath Ledger: "Brokeback Mountain" is only one of millions of reasons I hate this queerbait.

12. Jake Gyllenthal: will never go see another movie this guy is in

13. Nick Cannon: wild'n'out is the worst show on t.v.

14. Dennis Leary: known for being a sarcastic asshole...never dissapoints. his Christmas special on comedy central made me watch "Raymond" instead

15. David Schwimer: I hate "Friends". This guy is king of that dumbass cast

i hate valentines

Happy Halloween.

Fast Times at Scruffy Murphey's

Here is an account of what went on Thursday Febuary 9th, 2006 between the hours of apx. 12:00am and 2:00am. at 1226 Speight Ave.

12:00am- Trail Boss, Dub, and myself leave George's and head to Scruffs to tie a few on.

12:05am- Bobby the doorman greets us and we head to the bar to wait half an hour for a damn beer amid barrats, and fat chicks.

12:30am- I get two Coors and go talk to Bobby at the door. Boss is talking to some obscure law school friend, and Dub is already yelling at people entering and leaving the bar.

12:45am- I wander around for a while, stopping only shortly to talk to people I usually see at Scruffs and admire a scantily clad fem.

1:00am- Head to the bathroom, Wardlaw is now yelling out the door at the people waiting in line. The only audible remarks were "show me your left tit" and "Hi, Chris Wardlaw, TABC."

1:05am- Go to the bar to get another drink, the line is not as long and I see a friend slouched over the counter.

1:06am- I get up to him and say hi, he asks me if I want a jagerbomb. Dub is all of a sudden right over my shoulder and exclaims he would like one too.

1:10am- We take our shots and order up another one. I was pretty drunk before I even got to George's and it was starting to affect me because I had to fight off my dinner from coming back up.

1:20am- I'm hammered

1:30am- Still hammered, walk around, go to the bathroom again.

1:45am- Bobby comes up to me in the pool room and tells me I need to talk to Wardlaw or else he's going to have to kick him out.

1:49am- Wardlaw is pretty hostile. Apparently some guy had tried to walk out and needed to get by him on order to leave. He said, "The Dub moves for no one," and instigated a fight.

1:55am- Finally leave, Wardlaw rides in the back because he's pretty pissed.

2:00am- I get a man hug.

what the f**k kansas state guy

i finally saw the clip of the president speaking at k-state a few weeks ago. apalled isnt really an appropriate term for how i felt, i just sat back and thought "what the f**k is this guy thinking?"
here is the leader of the free world and your asking him some dumb-shit question like that? it started out serious enough. he was leading toward a question about ranching, which he could have taken in a legitimate direction. such as asking about agriculture or the role farmers will play in a revamped economy. but instead this asshole askes the president if he's seen brokeback mountain and what he thought about it. of course he has'nt seen that blasphemous abortion of the great american western. this dipshit knew that from square one, yet he still has the gall to make an ass out of himself in front of the president and his peers. im sure this guy was sitting at the house the night before pounding mikes hard lemonade and telling all his buddies his devious plan for the next day. "oh yeah bra, that would be effin hilarious" they said, not really believing anyone could possibly be that ignorant. sure enough he comes through with his promise. and of course bush stumbled through the question, he was trying to stop himself from tearing ass down the aisle and strangling this guy. the president could'nt tell him what he truly felt. if he did, he would have said something like, "no i have'nt seen that piece of shit, i don't plan on seeing it ever. i was in the screening room at the white house when it came out and was asked if i wanted to watch it. i said 'no, put on weekend at bernies again' THATS a movie. oh and i hate fags." next question please.

my overall review of the super bowl and surrounding events

im going to grade all aspects on a standard scale of "A+" to "F"

Game: C+ (i'm glad the steelers won, but if the cowboys are not in it i could really give a rip)

Commercials: B- (especially liked the Ameriquest one when he kills the fly with the defibulator in the hospital patient's room and says "well that killed him" at the same time the wife and daughter walk in.)

Food: A (woody's dip put it in the A's, and the cake he went and bought b/c he saw a commecial with cake in it and had to have some)

Drinks: A+ (free beer dub stole and plenty of twang)

Drinking Game: A (the system went as follows)
touchdown- 7 drinks
turnover- 10 drinks
field goal- 3 drinks
3rd down conversion- 5 drinks
punt and kickoff returns- drink from the time the ball touches the foot until the play ends
sack-3 drinks
funny commercial- 3 drinks
20 yard play- 5 drinks

Halftime: F (i don't like the rolling stones. they looked like mummys on stage. i wish mtv still did the celebrity deathmatch halftime fight. i'm a big fan of claymation)

shirtless dub and the wrongful bitch-slap

it was the last wednesday in january. we decided to head up to karaoke at treffs and see our old friend skarky. he greeted us right when we walked in with a "holy shit, i think i see shep and some of the old school guys." i dont know why i was specifically mentioned, he knows stone and edgar just as well, in fact they have put on more powerhouse performances than i could ever hope to in a lifetime...needless to say things were strange from the beginning. as we got sat down and started ordering drinks, i noticed two girls grinding on each other in the corner...which is wierd for karaoke because two black guys usually dont get up and sing a spot on lil' jon tune, its usually nerdy white guys singing seal or some other lost gem...this makes me stone and edgar seem like karaoke dynamos...but these guys were going to give us a run for our money. as the night progressed, those damn girls kept on grinding up on each other...and finally one of them got up on a chair right in front of me and started shaking her ass right in my face. what was i to do? should i just stare at for the duration of her chair dance? does she want me to tip her? but before i could make up my mind on what to do, dub reaches accross me and gives her a good solid pinch. i was fairly befuttled at the situation, but thought nothing of it until she turned around promptly and FUCKING SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE!!...WHAT THE HELL?!?!...i was outraged...seriously. but being the gentleman i am, i just sta there and waited for the song to end so i could tell her about the grave miscalculation she made. however, before the song was over that dipshit warlaw reached over and grabbed her ass again. this time i was ready. i covered my face with my arm while pointing to wardlaw. as i looked around i saw everyone else at the table was pointing at him too, even the friend she came with. i felt safe enough to turn around put my arm down, but he second i did, this bitch GRABS MY FACE AND SQUARES IT UP SO SHE CAN SMACK THE SHIT OUT OF ME AGAIN!!! im really too pissed to continue ive flustered myself.....i guess ill continue the story later because it gets even better... ive got to go to hooters anyway...

this picture makes me crack up

new years eve revisited

well its late im allitte drunk from vowling niht but im thinking alot about new years at this pontn in the bank .. then gist of it is i got durnk and sisnt get a kiss at midnoght i threw up in the bar and was rudly escorted iut woody picked a fight an i peed in the ice bucket ii slept in thr sam ebed as wooyd an dit was nice oh an dstione kised 2 asians atthe asame tim e edgar frenched som e chick dub took his shirt off assper usual ...........................................................................dot theres a keith urban concert his weekend i fuckin haaaatee kieth urban that aussie bastard

i got drunk and joined a bowling league

i went bowling last thursday at westview lanes. it just so happened to be dollar beer night and i was pretty damn excited. we used to go bowling every wednesday summer a year ago, but since then ive been maybe two or three times. anyway, we got there about 9 o'clock (a whole hour before we could smoke inside) and i grabbed a beer. two and a half hours later i was chain-smoking, pounding beers, and hurling the shit out of that ten pound purple bowling ball. someone mentioned that it would be a good idea to join a bowling league and i of course agreed. however, i feel like i weasled my way in because i didnt break 100 all night and everyone else was hitting 150's-170's. i think my big sell as a teammate was i said i would make shirts.

we'll ive done it, ive become so bored that i decided to start a blog. i feel like alot of funny stuff happens that not everyone has the privilage to hear about or witness first hand. with that said, i will mostly be posting dumb shit that i find funny...so theres that to look forward to.