THE SHEP BLOG

My Date With Paris

I thought my dream had come true. Paris Hilton had responed to my personal on match.com, unreal I thought. I then remembered what information I had posted on the site and how disappointed she was going to be.

The ad went something like this:


Name: "Hawk" Shepperd (had to come up with a cool name)

Sex: yes please (thought it would be funny)

Height: 6'4"

Body Type: Muscular, athletic. (not quite)

Intrests: Long walks on a cool night, watching "The Bachelor", and/or "the Bachelorette," and discussing who's a bitch with my best friends. (this is exactly what girls want to hear)

Hobbies: Helping the homeless (by which I meant telling them to get a job)

Job: I don't really have one. I saved Bill Gates from drowning while training new recruits be Navy S.E.A.L.'s. I became heir to his vast fourtune, so money isn't an issue. (I dropped a kid in a pool one time and make him swim like a otter, so its not that far fetched)

So this is what she is basing her opinons of me on.

Anyways, she flew me to NY and her assistant picked me up in a limo. She told me I didn't look like the man in the picture. I had to come up with an excuse fast, so I explained to her how I was in the hospital for 6 months after a dirt bike stunt gone wrong had rendered me incapacitated. I elaborated on muscle atrophy and all the pudding I ate.

Paris was doing a photo shoot so her assistant asked me if I wanted to see NY and all the sights. I felt like I needed a drink or two before the inevitable collapse of my scheme came to pass, so she pulled over to a local pub and let me off. I was informed she would pick me up after Paris was finished with her business.

5 hours, 12 beers, 3 shots, and a hoagie later, I finally came face to face with Paris. She looked a little surprised at first, but then a smile broke out on her face and she ran up and gave me a hug. I was surprised to say the least, and at that moment I noticed the white powder under her nose and the stench of vodka on her breath. She was all kinds of hammered and probably thought I did look like David Hasselhoff with a moustache.

So the rest of the night we partied like there was no tomorrow. I met all kinds of celebs and they all gave me strange looks. Paris assured me they were not as strange as the ones Nick Carter got, so I had that going for me.

















moving in for the ass-grab...success!

Paris got in a couple fights with Nicole Richie, and Shannon Doherty. I punched Ben Stiller in the nuts and said,"THAT'S FOR MAKING 'MYSTERY MEN!' YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

All in all it was a pretty good night...