The homeless invasion has reached an all-time peak. I can no longer sit on my porch, take a trip to the grocery/convenience store, or go to taco bell after 1:30am without being hassled by these leeches on society. After my many years of dealing with said homeless, I have studied and devised these fail-safe methods for dealing with these lazy-asses.
1) The No-Money Excuse
This is the most popular way to get out of giving money to the homeless. After they tell their sad story of how they got screwed, or how many kids they have that need food, or any other lie they might tell you, just shrug your shoulders and say, "sorry buddy, I don't have any money." They might look confused because you just walked out of H-E-B with a case of beer and some beef jerky, but stick to your story...they always do.
2) Ask Them for Money First Technique
A less popular approach, and one I have never actually tried before, the idea is to confuse these bums by asking them for cash before they get a chance to ask first. From what I hear it's fairly effective. We've all been in a situation where you know a guy approaching you is going to ask for money, just ask him first...the homeless are easily confused.
Say blood, can i get some change? These Hilfiger socks is itchy.
3) Hand Signals
My personal favorite, no verbal exchanges take place and the homeless person is cleanly dealt with. The stipulation is that one must be in an automobile with the windows up. When the homeless approach and motion for you to roll down the window, motion with your thumb and shake your head for them to get lost. Keep this going until they leave.
4) Scolding
The homeless are similar to children in many ways. They shit themselves, refuse to bathe, and have an elementary level education. Therefore, they respond to parental-like scoldings much like children. If approached by the homeless even when doing the most mundane activity, scold their ass like you were trying to finish your taxes. An good example of this was when I was ordering food at Taco Cabana. A homeless man walked up while I was trying to order. I looked at him and started scolding him. "I am trying to order... are you serious? get the hell out of here...scram!" Works every time.
5) The Cunningham Approach
If a homeless person takes even a single step in the direction of your house, just start yelling at them. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! DON'T COME BACK YOU WORTHLESS ASS!" Highly effective.
6) Saddam Technique
If you see a homeless person coming, hide in the house. Just bunker in and turn on the t.v. until they leave. If they knock on the door, don't answer. If they persist, enforce the Cunningham Approach.
I think dem muthafuckas be hidin'
7) Dogs
If you own a dog then your in luck. The darker homeless hate dogs. It doesn't matter if it's a toy poodle, they scare the shit out of would-be panhandlers. Just let your terrier loose on one of these bums and watch the hilarity ensue.
8) Weapons
If you have a hammer handy on your porch just pick it up and wield it like you were a viking. A scowl on your face wouldn't hurt. Just look like you'd rattle their skull if they came up on the porch.
9) Edgar's Feats-of-Strength
If you're drunk and want to spend some money on entertainment, make the homeless earn it. It can really add some life to a dying party. When a bum comes to a party and asks for cash, set up an obstacle course or make him perform a floor exercise to Asia's "heat of the moment." Fun will be had by all. If he doesn't complete the feats tease him like he's not getting any money, but eventually you probably need to pay him.
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